February is an absolute waste of a month.

February is an absolute waste of a month. If months could have sex, February would be the one luring Cuban hookers to seedy hotel rooms.

It's a known fact that the average person is an idiot. More than 50% of the world's English-speaking population still can't spell "February" and upwards of 90% can't pronounce it. February is the Moron's Month: no other month has been so widely misspelled, mispronounced, and misunderstood. The number of days in February is a commonly known fact. Whether they know it as "February" or "Feb-u-ary," most people are aware that there are 28 days in February. Okay, no problems there. However, even with the addition of an extra day every fourth year, February is still the shortest month in the year - a trifling sum of 29 days. Compared with the incredible bulk of such hefty, powerful months as October and such influencial, charismatic months as December, February is the little nerdy wimpy month that fights back every four years and is subsequently subdued.

Even the name February sounds girly. If I were a month, I would want to be August. August! The name commands such power, and the word "August" even means powerful! I defy any of you to come up with a definition of "February." And if there is one, I'm sure it's a kind of flower or wall treatment or something.

The phenomenon of a leap year requires a little explanation. A short lesson in astronomy: It turns out that a year is not 365 days, but rather 365 and a quarter days. This discrepancy between the earth's revolutions and the number of revolutions causes the Earth to become confused - a dangerous situation which can lead to gravitational slowdown and solar collision. Therefore, in order to fix the gap in the Earth's orbit caused by our ignorance and self-importance, we add another day to the year every four years. To complicate matters, it turns out that a year is not exactly 365.25 days, but rather 365.26 days. So, every hundred years, we skip a leap year. I don't know about you, but I don't want to have to have an advanged degree in mathematics just to know what to write on my post-dated checks! I'm an American, God damn it, I shouldn't have to think about those things! And it's all February's fault!

Aside from the everlasting controversies surrounding its name and its nature, the month of February is home to some of the most worthless holidays known to man:

1. Groundhogs Day. If the groundhog doesn't see his shadow, warmth will come early that year. The world will be a paradise, our people will return to Eden, and drink naught but mead and eat only chocolate-covered gold nuggets. If the groundhog does see his shadow, the prophecy tells us, there will be more winter ahead. Snow will fall from the sky, crops will be thin. Great famine will sweep the world, diseases the likes of which cannot be imagined will infect the stoutest of folk. Seismic activity will quadruple. Rends in the earth will open up and send fire toward the heavens raining down molten death upon masses of crying women and screaming children. The dark lord Satan will rule the earth that year, and humans will be tortured pawns to his evil empire erecting thousand-foot-tall statues to be visible by the demon fortress on the lunar surface. If this were the case, I could see how people would be concerned about our furry groundhog friend. But it isn't. And some people are actually excited by the legend of a magical weather-predicting subterranean rat. To be honest, this fact doesn't surprise me. A piece of news like this takes up the awkward four minutes between cell phone calls and hair appointments. These greasy-voiced wide-smiling San Diegans need something to talk about that isn't at all important. Which brings me to another point - small talk sickens me. But that's a topic for another Monthly.

2. Presidents' Day. Observing Washington's and Lincolns Birthdays: Is it one holiday? Is it two? Is it three? Or None? Or are we taking turns now? Following suit to the leap year phenomenon, the number of holidays in February seems to fluctuate every year. Last year, I swear we only got one day off: Presidents' day. This year, we are treated to a four-day weekend. Why? Is Lincoln more important this year than he was last year? Or was Washington secretly born on a leap year and had his official birthday written down for a week prior? So, then, do we celebrate his birthday three years in a row, then take a holiday from the extra holiday on the fourth year on which he was actually born? Wasn't Presidents' day invented to cut down the number of Bank Holidays in an already shortchanged month? Do we get Presidents' Day, Lincoln's Birthday, AND Washington's birthday? And what about next year? But wait! There's more: Lincoln and Washington's birthdays are on opposite ends of the month! That's right: The convenient four-day weekend I mentioned is in observance of only one holiday! Two days off for one holiday: a holiday meant to reduce the number of Bank Holidays from two ... TO TWO!

3. Valentine's Day. The Granddaddy of worthless holidays. It is a wonder that Valentine's day is not a hotbed of violent crimes. Not more so than any other day, at least. I have a feeling that if some of us acted on our desires, the phrase "Don't go out on Valentine's Day" would become a widespread piece of advice. With billions of blinded, lovesick cattle shouting their sugary adoration and devotion from the treetops, those dominated mostly by reason and logical thought are often consumed with a diabetic rage. If those belonging to lower socioeconomic classes and oppressed minorities can revolt for their cause and be understood, if not accepted, would it not be double-standard to expect differently of the lonely? Of course not. Thankfully we have no "Racial Supremacy Day," but we do have the next best thing: Valentines' Day (If there were a Racial Supremacy Day, I'm sure it would be in February. February smacks of a racist month, despite its cover as Black History Month. A clever, but paper-thin ruse set up to make Most-Hated February seem more human-friendly. Black History Month should be a nice, accepting month like March or May.). An annual Valentines' Day riot doesn't really seem all that far-fetched. I did a little research on St. Valentine. A Roman priest in the third century, Valentine defied Emperor Claudius' decree that young men would no longer be able to marry, because unmarried men made better soldiers. Eventually, Emporer Claudius sentenced him to be beaten with clubs and subsequently beheaded. Good for him! That's just what I'd do now if he were alive.

Personally, I suggest that we annihilate the month of February alltogether, allocate the days to the remaining eleven months, and forget the antiquated, Communist idea of leap year! If our God-Given Christian calendar is good enough for us, then damn it, it should be good enough for the Earth! If the Earth falls into the sun, it'll be a good lesson for it! February. The insecure, confused, and all-around most worthless hick month of the year.
-- Source: Good Old Dr. Ozzie!